how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
