Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
