I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
