i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
