Jerry, you need to find god
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
