'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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