rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
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