So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
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I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
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TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
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