Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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