u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
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he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
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Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
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