All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
