Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I think a kid would responsible me up
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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