True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
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I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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