Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
