Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
