So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Randomize
