I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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