I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
