There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
then he tried to convert me to islam
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Randomize
