while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
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Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
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I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?