i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
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i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
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some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.