Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
