gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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