I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
