Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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