The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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