Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
