I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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