Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
