My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
