I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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