I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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