This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
