K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
babies were throwing up all over the place
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
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