it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
