Redeem this text for a blowjob
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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