My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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