Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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