Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
