Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
