Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Just puked most of my soul out..
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
