there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
