obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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