Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
