there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
