flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
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