Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.