just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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