pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
