in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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