M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
