So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
