i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
