I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
There's always time for handjobs
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
