My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
