you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
