So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
