I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
