I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
