i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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