i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
